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cosmic_llinSo, I have reached that great and magical milestone. Quarter of a century. One box up when I next fill in a survey. I am twenty-five years old.
Ten or fifteen years ago, I had this idea that by the time I was twenty-five, I'd be a ballet-dancing-psychologist-diplomat-best-selling-author. I figured that was plenty of time to finish university and do basically All The Things. I thought I'd be married, with two children at least. Hell, I thought I'd be straight. More or less, anyway.
In case anyone wasn't sure where this is going, I am none of those things. A few of them I don't even want to be any more.
On the other hand, there are plenty of things I've done that I never expected to do. I've turned down opportunities I would have given almost anything to have a few years ago. I've come to hate someone so much that I wish them dead. I've lost a parent. Twice. I've travelled across the world on my own. I've rejected things that I thought would be a part of my life forever, and I've embraced things that I never foresaw.
I still want the same basic things from my life that I always wanted, right from the beginning - to make a living from writing, and to fall in love with the perfect person and have a family with them. One of those I have, and I feel like the other two are still entirely possible. The path to them is just longer and more interesting than I had expected, and with more obstacles.
Obstacles are not necessarily a bad thing, though. When I was sixteen or so, I decided that I didn't want to go to university, I just wanted to be a writer, and get whatever job I could and focus on my writing. When my parents insisted I go to university, I decided I wanted to study English Lit, since the idea of reading and writing for three years appealed. My parents said I should do something with more practical applications, so I eventually decided on languages - I liked German in school, and I thought it might be useful in my potential pre-famous-author career path in the Foreign Office. I added Russian almost as an afterthought, just because it sounded like it might be cool.
The experiences I've had in Russia have been some of the most important of my life, and they never would have happened if I'd just skipped university or done English like I wanted to. The people I've met there and the things I've learned have shaped the way I see the world and helped me to figure out who I am.
Thinking about this helps me to remember that when things don't go my way, even the times when it hurts a lot, there's always something to be learned, something that can help me grow, even if it's not apparent for months or years or decades later. And maybe this is why I can't have All The Things right away.
So I think basically what I'm saying is that:
a) I am slightly shocked I've actually lived this many years;
b) Basically apart from the places where it sucks, my life is pretty rad and has potential to get rad-er;
c) My younger self was ridiculously optimistic about how long it takes to achieve things. My current self is only slightly less so. I'm ok with that;
d) birthdays are weird. But they also result in Star Trek cake, waffle makers and parties where everyone wears fun costumes, so all in all it's been a good week.
Also, just to say, there are several things I intend to reply to, but they're all in tabs on my laptop, and my power supply is broken. New one should be arriving soon, and in the meantime, I'll try to remember what I was going to comment on!
Ten or fifteen years ago, I had this idea that by the time I was twenty-five, I'd be a ballet-dancing-psychologist-diplomat-best-selling-author. I figured that was plenty of time to finish university and do basically All The Things. I thought I'd be married, with two children at least. Hell, I thought I'd be straight. More or less, anyway.
In case anyone wasn't sure where this is going, I am none of those things. A few of them I don't even want to be any more.
On the other hand, there are plenty of things I've done that I never expected to do. I've turned down opportunities I would have given almost anything to have a few years ago. I've come to hate someone so much that I wish them dead. I've lost a parent. Twice. I've travelled across the world on my own. I've rejected things that I thought would be a part of my life forever, and I've embraced things that I never foresaw.
I still want the same basic things from my life that I always wanted, right from the beginning - to make a living from writing, and to fall in love with the perfect person and have a family with them. One of those I have, and I feel like the other two are still entirely possible. The path to them is just longer and more interesting than I had expected, and with more obstacles.
Obstacles are not necessarily a bad thing, though. When I was sixteen or so, I decided that I didn't want to go to university, I just wanted to be a writer, and get whatever job I could and focus on my writing. When my parents insisted I go to university, I decided I wanted to study English Lit, since the idea of reading and writing for three years appealed. My parents said I should do something with more practical applications, so I eventually decided on languages - I liked German in school, and I thought it might be useful in my potential pre-famous-author career path in the Foreign Office. I added Russian almost as an afterthought, just because it sounded like it might be cool.
The experiences I've had in Russia have been some of the most important of my life, and they never would have happened if I'd just skipped university or done English like I wanted to. The people I've met there and the things I've learned have shaped the way I see the world and helped me to figure out who I am.
Thinking about this helps me to remember that when things don't go my way, even the times when it hurts a lot, there's always something to be learned, something that can help me grow, even if it's not apparent for months or years or decades later. And maybe this is why I can't have All The Things right away.
So I think basically what I'm saying is that:
a) I am slightly shocked I've actually lived this many years;
b) Basically apart from the places where it sucks, my life is pretty rad and has potential to get rad-er;
c) My younger self was ridiculously optimistic about how long it takes to achieve things. My current self is only slightly less so. I'm ok with that;
d) birthdays are weird. But they also result in Star Trek cake, waffle makers and parties where everyone wears fun costumes, so all in all it's been a good week.
Also, just to say, there are several things I intend to reply to, but they're all in tabs on my laptop, and my power supply is broken. New one should be arriving soon, and in the meantime, I'll try to remember what I was going to comment on!
no subject
Date: 2011-04-20 01:25 am (UTC)This is Dasha, by the way. It's going to say anonymous, cuz I let my LJ account expire awhile ago.
Well, it's hard to say "happy" birthday right after commenting on Lis's death, so I'll give you a hug instead. ((((((((((((((((((((((Llin)))))))))))))))))))))))))
And yay for Russia-love, English/lit/writing love, mostly-optimistic-outlook, and Beverly icon-love! <3
And yes, birthdays are *very* weird. I think I've mentioned it before, but my grandmother died a little over 6 years ago, on my 30th birthday. Sometimes sorrows and joys just get all mashed up together, and you just have to take it as it comes.
You take good care of yourself, dorogaja, okay? Obnimaju!
no subject
Date: 2011-04-20 08:27 pm (UTC)((((((((((((((((Dasha))))))))))))
I noticed you hadn't been around. Hope you're doing well! Obnimaju!